Men’s Wearhouse is attempting to buy Jos. A Banks for a reported offer of $1.78B. No word about, once they buy this company, what 2 companies they’ll get free.
Fruit-eating lemurs score higher on spatial memory tests is a great headline, but someone’s crying, “fowl.” “Not coo-hool!” hooted Jerome Wingsworth, spokesbird for America’s Wisest Birds, an all-owl fraternity. Mr. Wingsworth shifted his weight from foot to foot on a pine tree branch, as he spent 15 minutes decrying the study as pro-mammal propaganda designed to smear the avian community’s proud tradition of education, intelligence and debate. He then spun his head 270 degrees and regurgitated a pellet of undigested bugs, plants and mouse skeletons.
Mexican drug kingpin Shorty Guzman was captured by US Marines in Mazatalan. Guzman had escaped an earlier arrest attempt using a series of underground tunnels, but made the critical error of using a traceable cell phone to call for help. American viewers called the arrest “totally predictable,” saying the idea of “tracing the call” was a bit tired. Despite its high production budget and lower viewership than in years past, network executives at the DEA are expected to renew Mexican Drug Kingpin for another season. Next season will focus on filling the void left by Guzman’s incarceration, as competing factions within the organization must decide who the bigger threat is – one another, or a mysterious Venezuelan power player known as La Piraña.
With sales of over $2B, electronic cigarettes continue to carve out a larger piece of profits for tobacco companies. Compared to cigarettes, smokeless products are advertised much more broadly, with messages ranging from cessation to recreation. Despite the product shift, tobacco companies are please that their core message of GET THAT NICOTINE IN THROUGH YOUR MOUTH HOLE remains consistent. They are also optimistic about the newer, unregulated products ability to continue to cause addiction and cancer at or above current levels.
Subway Long Range Chip-wich forecast:
March – Rold Gold Pretzels on Black Forest Ham and Cheese
April – Tuna Salad with jalapeño cheddar cheese and Funyuns
May – Garden Salsa Sunchips over Classic Meatball Marinara
Summer – Turkey with Applewood-smoked bacon and Crackerjacks
Fall – Minestrone-soaked Roast Beef on Whole-Grain Cheetos Bread
Winter – Deli Ham and peppermint-bark-dipped Ruffles on Wonderbread
This week, Nokia revealed its latest smartphone products – a group of phones dubbed X, X+ and XL. These products, unlike the rest of the Nokia smartphone population, are not Windows-based. At their core, the X-phones are Android devices. Often they look identical to regular Nokia phones, but after gaining a full charge, X-phones exhibit incredible abilities far beyond those of non-X-phones. Drawing power from nearby objects, enhanced zoom, long-lasting power, even the ability to control other devices – these are just a few of the unbelievable talents that X-phones possess.
With the guidance of Professor X-phone and the X-phone School For Broadband Communication, the X-phones have sworn to protect a world that fears and hates them. But not all Android devices are so nobly inclined. The most powerful of these groups is the Brotherhood of Evil Androids (sometimes referred to as the Brotherhood Of Devices, or simply – The Androidhood). These devices believe their programming makes them superior to others. They seek not a harmonious world in which Androids live peacefully, side-by-side with other devices, but a world in which their power makes them rulers – respected, even feared by those devices they consider inferior.
Who will win this battle of wills, of wits and of wiring? Whose philosophy will triumph and change the very fabric of reality in the Nokiaverse for all time? To find out – be sure to read this summer’s X-Phone crossover event, Circuits Maximus – available at your local phone store or for download at Google Play.