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friday morning monologue – 3 year anniversary edition

This post marks three years of writing jokes every week. Okay, almost every week. What started out as a motivational project to do some regular writing has turned into a deeply superstitious activity that will hopefully help me keep my sweet writing day-job. It seemed like a good time to look back through the blog and pull out a few jokes that might still be a little bit funny. Thanks for reading.

combo-named foods that don’t taste like either of them:
cheesecake
rice cakes
Butterfinger
pineapple
honey mustard
chicken in a biscuit
egg rolls
butterscotch
veggie burger
pot pie

Thinking of making some custom bracelets:
WWDJJJD (What Would DJ Jazzy Jeff Do?)

I’m always thinking of the polite thing to do. 2-5 minutes after it would have been appropriate. I call it The Retroactive Gentleman.
“Could I have taken your coats?”
“Would you have liked something to drink?”
“Could I have offered you a hand with that?”

On a recent shopping trip, I discovered something new: texting gloves. I didn’t put them on my Christmas list, thought. I’m holding out for a Facebooking hat, a Tweeting scarf or some Googling boots.

Mudflap girl stickers on the back of a Kia Sorrento? That’s wrong, right?

The sign says “No visible tattoos”. Thank goodness I opted for the invisible tattoos …

Tabletop chocolate fountain: Fountain of Youth or Fountain of Type-2 Diabetes?

When you’re the only person on the bus, I wish it felt like the world’s biggest limousine and not like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

We drove through our old neighborhood this week and good news – that one house still has the Ford Mustang and the Mini Cooper parked out front. I like to imagine that the two cars are buddies and main character on a TV show where they fight crime – Cooper & Stang. I don’t know if they’re undercover cops, if they were brought to life by a freak lightning storm or which one of them is days away from retirement, but all those small details will get worked out before the pilot.

What’s more disturbing: that I was listening to the Lite Rock station or that they were playing Nirvana?

A coworker lamented the large amount of work we had to do by referencing the fat stacks of paper we brought to the meeting.
Fat Stacks is now my new rap name.

Happiness is walking around on the roof, clearing out the gutters with a leaf blower the day before it rains. Sadness is a neighbor’s late-turning tree that undoes all that progress after any decent breeze.

Just saw an ad for Hugh Jackman’s Broadway show that touts the fact that he’s performing “with an 18-piece orchestra!” I’m no orchestraologist, but does 18 sound a little low to anyone else? What’s the smallest orchestra possible? I feel like it’s gotta be about 18 pieces. I’d be way more interested in going if he was playing with a 1,000-piece robot orchestra.

Updated riddles:
What’s black and white and read all over?
Your malfunctioning Nook Color. Please call customer service.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9 Gogurts in 1 sitting and that can’t be good for anyone.

 

Can we refer to putting on makeup while driving as a biathlon? Sure, it’s weird, but no weirder than skiing and then target shooting. Plus, for my new biathlon, I think the United States could put up really strong contenders for the world competition.

Someone at the table read the message from their Dove chocolate wrapper – “listen with your heart.” Before I knew it, I blurted out, “Pump blood with your ears.”

Dick Clark is no longer the world’s oldest teenager.
But he’s got a real shot to be the world’s youngest zombie.

A shark can smell blood in the water. Can a shark phlebotomist smell water in the blood?

Lyndsay and I have finally started to watch Mad Men. If you need us in the next few months, we’ll be in the 60’s.

It’s easier to turn on Photo Booth on my laptop than it is to find a reflective surface.
You guys – we’re living in the future.

I’m not sure if they’ve done this already, but if Nick at Nite hasn’t piggybacked on current trends and done a Land Shark Week, they’re really missing an opportunity.

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