Tag Archives: nfl

friday afternoon monologue

The Sweet Tea has been up in the middle of the night each of the last 3 nights. People talk about the terrible 2’s, but really it’s more about the terrible 3’s, 3:30’s and 4:15’s. It’s a total energy drain. It’s getting to the point that I’m ready to believe an online ad that says PROFESSORS HATE THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK TO HELP YOUR BABY SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT!

There are only 2 kinds of video screens in a baby’s world. 1 – the touchscreen. 2 – the tv screen doesn’t do anything when I touch it dad what did you do did you break it why isn’t it working?

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Always judge a band by its covers.

The Curiosity Rover found liquid water on Mars this week, analyzing a soil sample to discover it contains 2% water, as well as carbon dioxide, oxygen, and sulfur compounds. The mineralogical data was exciting to scientists who have long predicted that Mars may one day be suitable for a Coca Cola bottling plant.

Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder is out with a fractured rib. The fracture is close to his heart and team doctors are concerned that if he sustains a big hit, it could mean serious damage. Doctors confirm that if backup quarterback Matt Cassel plays a great game, a broken heart is still a possibility for Ponder.

A dangerous Russian street drug called Krokodil has made its way to the United States. Made of chemicals easily found at home improvement stores, this cheap heroin substitute causes rough, scaly patching on the skin of its users. Medical experts call it a deadly substance that can lead to death in under 2 years of use, but admit it’s also a pretty amazing reminder that the last episode of Breaking Bad airs this Sunday at 9/8c on AMC.

Kayne West is mad at Jimmy Kimmel. That’s not really newsworthy, that’s just a Mad Libs that you can’t lose. Here, try it yourself and feel like a psychic. “Kanye West is [synonym for ‘very’] angry at [anyone on earth] for [professional or everyday behavior]. West took [double-digit number] minutes to [verb] about it last night during the [European city] [fashion show] he was attending. West was dressed in a [pattern] kilt, [garish color] Nikes and a [precious metal] tank top from Brooklyn designer [Old Testament Name] [comic book noise].”

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

friday afternoon monologue

Okay, so after that whole “I flew to the wrong airport” thing last week, the weekend was a lot of fun. We saw all sorts of family and friends and I got to listen to the Brewers game on Saturday, Bob Uecker Day, where they unveiled the official Mr. Baseball statue at Miller Park. The celebration wasn’t too big a deal, he just got Doc Severinsen to play, Hank Aaron to introduce him and Bob Costas to join him for the entire radio broadcast. You know, same old, same old.

Accurate TV Guide
Law & Order “Breathless”: Detectives question a standup comedian, that girl who was on a sitcom when she was 7 and the angry boss from ER about a murder. The suspect is defended in court by Jack Donaghy’s mom.

Sorry, I’ve had a lot of Law & Order on the brain lately. I had a mini-self-intervention when I realized that it was starting to affect my worldview. I had started to replace “I just heard this story on NPR” with “I just saw a Law & Order about that.”

It just got cold enough that our daughter has been wearing socks and shoes more regularly. It’s amazing how this small wardrobe change makes me think of her as an actual person. An actual person who trash-talks the bathtub, but an actual person nonetheless.

Another season of NFL football is officially underway (well, except for official referees being there). Important questions around our house currently include:
What hot, hearty meals are we planning for Sunday afternoon?
Will we continue to hold grudges against certain players for poor play in the early part of last year’s season?
What are the superstitious traditions we feel will propel our team to victory?
Lucky sweatshirt – to wash or not to wash?
Will the Packers gear that fits our daughter now still fit her at week 16?

Twitter has taught me some valuable lessons in the past few weeks:
We’re all racing to be first to that Lance Armstrong/Neil Armstrong/Stretch Armstrong joke.
If you haven’t watched the most recent episode of Breaking Bad, one glance at Twitter will spoil it for you. Tweet at your own risk.
Excited about new followers? Don’t be; they’re spambots.

Tagged , , , , , ,

friday morning monologue

Headline fail: Get Maggie Gyllenhaal’s jumpsuit look for less.
“For less?” The true cost of wearing a jumpsuit is always much, much too high.

It’s easier to turn on Photo Booth on my laptop than it is to find a reflective surface.
You guys – we’re living in the future.

I had to make sure that my hair looked messy but not too messy, you know? Normally, I’m not too concerned, but earlier this week I got out of the shower and looked like Will Ferrell in Semi Pro.

Good news: the NFL preseason is here!
Bad news: you’ve missed pre-preseason already!

Here’s a quick rundown of my favorite preseason clichés:
A lot of young talent out here
He’s got a great football mind
a great locker room guy
ready to put in the work
excited for the season to start
just want to get out there and see what we can do
he’s really impressing us with his speed/strength/agility/decision-making
Incredible instincts

You know how I know I’m old? Well, first, I’m over 22, which is my young/old age cutoff, but secondly, Shark Week is celebrating its 25th anniversary this year. 25 years of celebrating nature’s perfect killing machine (no offense, John Rambo…).

I’m not sure if they’ve done this already, but if Nick at Nite hasn’t piggybacked on this and done a Land Shark Week, they’re really missing an opportunity.

Looking for a low budget way to celebrate? Grab a few supplies on the lunch hour and make your own shark costume. Shove a few sets of fake teeth in your mouth and continuously pace around the floor saying, “I smell blood, does anyone else smell blood?”

Tagged , , , , ,