Tag Archives: Royal Baby

friday afternoon monologue

Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun was suspended for the remainder of the season for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy. After being handed a 150-game ban, Braun grabbed it, flexed his inhumanly powerful arms and compressed the suspension down to 65 games.

Full disclosure: every time I hear the name Bradley Manning, I think he’s a mashup of Bradley Cooper and Peyton Manning.

Royal Baby Fever has crested in England, with the birth of Will and Kate’s first child, Prince George Alexander Louis. The Queen is said to be delighted to have a great grandson, as well as One More Heir To The Throne Who Isn’t Prince Charles.

Prince Harry has said he wants to make life “as fun as possible” for his new nephew (and possible future king) Prince George. He’s taking the role of Funcle quite seriously, and has installed baby seats on both his helicopter and his motorcycle. Harry’s wing in Kensington palace is said be perfect for a moody, pampered child; so it should be fine for baby George as well.

Scientists at MIT successfully implanted false memories in the brains of laboratory mice. OR DID THEY??!??!??!??!?!!?!???

The Harvard School of Public Health has found that drinking coffee may help lower the risk of suicide by up to 50%. Harvard president Drew Faust hailed it as, “great news for Yale grads everywhere.”

Vandals splashed green paint on Washington DC’s Lincoln Memorial sometime early Friday morning. Police are carefully reviewing the surveillance footage and are confident in their ability to find and apprehend the guy who invented this.

Google announced its newest version of the Nexus 7 tablet is available for preorder at Best Buy. You remember Best Buy – they sponsor that date of the side of perishable food packaging.

This week Google also introduced Chromecast, a USB dongle that streams content directly to your TV. It included a promo of 3 free months of Netflix that was so popular, it was cut short. A dongle promotion that has proved to be far less popular: Carlos Danger. Although, many seem to think cutting that short could be a good idea, too.


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friday morning monologue

Dwight Howard broke the news that he’s decided to leave the LA Lakers and sign with the Houston Rockets. “I’m proud of the time I’ve spent not winning championships in LA, but it’s time to move on. Houston is an amazing team and I can’t wait to get to work not winning a championship with the Rockets.”

In a new campaign to promote fire safety, Smokey the Bear gives out hugs instead of gruff advice and furry finger pointing. It’s cute, different and most importantly, it provides Smokey with the opportunity to pickpocket unsuspecting campers. Hey, husky jeans and personalized monogrammed hats aren’t exactly cheap.

Other mascots whose names seem counterintuitive to their messages:
Tipsy the Sober Ostrich
Snappy the Polite Turtle
Sir Waste-a-lot, the Recycling Walrus

Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig is said to be preparing to suspend as many as 20 MLB players for suspected steroid use. Selig stated, “People really hated when I let the 2002 All Star Game end in a tie, but that was over a decade ago. Baseball fans are a loyal group and truly deserve a fresh reason to dislike my tenure and question my erratic, possibly vindictive decision-making process.”

Breaking news: Edward Snowden is still literally somewhere, technically nowhere, and digitally everywhere. If he cannot reach an asylum agreement with Russia, Venezuela or Nicaragua, he may be forced to apply at the last nations on his list: Latveria, Atlantis or Dinotopia.

Prince William and Kate Middleton’s baby is due any day and London is in a frenzy with news crews camping outside the hospital and bets being placed on the royal baby’s name. Odds-on favorites include Alexandra if it’s a girl and George if it’s a boy. The royal family has downplayed rumors that the baby will be named Magna Carta Royal Grail and available exclusively on the Samsung Galaxy SG4.

The FDA has recommended a limit on the amount of arsenic found in apple juice. “Bummer!” said two ladies from a 70-year-old Cary Grant movie.

Rave reviews for that TV show about that dude with anger/violence/inner-demon issues. No, not that one. Not that one. Not that one. Nope. Sorry, no. No. Wait, that one. Critics say it really stands out from everything else on TV.

Wells Fargo recorded a 14th-consecutive rise in quarterly profits and a Q2 increase of a frumoinous percentage. “It’s totally vorpal”, said Wells Fargo spokesman Jeff Kagen, conforming to the company’s new policy of using nonsensical words to address huge sums of money. “It’s a number so high, it’s really beyond physical comprehension. For all intents and purposes, we just made a quintobazillion dollars. A Queeg-load of cash.” Kagen declined to comment on the previous quarter’s brief scare, where the mention of the thought of the possibility of regulation changes nearly cost the company a cool 1.2 Darseks.

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