Tag Archives: ryan braun

friday afternoon monologue

Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun was suspended for the remainder of the season for violating Major League Baseball’s drug policy. After being handed a 150-game ban, Braun grabbed it, flexed his inhumanly powerful arms and compressed the suspension down to 65 games.

Full disclosure: every time I hear the name Bradley Manning, I think he’s a mashup of Bradley Cooper and Peyton Manning.

Royal Baby Fever has crested in England, with the birth of Will and Kate’s first child, Prince George Alexander Louis. The Queen is said to be delighted to have a great grandson, as well as One More Heir To The Throne Who Isn’t Prince Charles.

Prince Harry has said he wants to make life “as fun as possible” for his new nephew (and possible future king) Prince George. He’s taking the role of Funcle quite seriously, and has installed baby seats on both his helicopter and his motorcycle. Harry’s wing in Kensington palace is said be perfect for a moody, pampered child; so it should be fine for baby George as well.

Scientists at MIT successfully implanted false memories in the brains of laboratory mice. OR DID THEY??!??!??!??!?!!?!???

The Harvard School of Public Health has found that drinking coffee may help lower the risk of suicide by up to 50%. Harvard president Drew Faust hailed it as, “great news for Yale grads everywhere.”

Vandals splashed green paint on Washington DC’s Lincoln Memorial sometime early Friday morning. Police are carefully reviewing the surveillance footage and are confident in their ability to find and apprehend the guy who invented this.

Google announced its newest version of the Nexus 7 tablet is available for preorder at Best Buy. You remember Best Buy – they sponsor that date of the side of perishable food packaging.

This week Google also introduced Chromecast, a USB dongle that streams content directly to your TV. It included a promo of 3 free months of Netflix that was so popular, it was cut short. A dongle promotion that has proved to be far less popular: Carlos Danger. Although, many seem to think cutting that short could be a good idea, too.

 

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friday morning monologue

The bus arrived and she faced a Faustian bargain at the bus stop. Finish her cigarette or finish that lidless paper bowl of soup from Panera. Doing both meant enjoying neither. Tough choices, y’all.

Ryan Braun became the fist Major League Baseball player ever to win his appeal after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. A big win for truth, justice and rumors of herpes medication gone awry.

Playstation has a new handheld console called Vita. In ads, its name is shown condensed and in all caps as PSVITA, which sounds to me either like a very fancy RSVP, an extremely important addendum to a piece of correspondence or a type of Italian currency.

“It’s a marathon, not a sprint.” Ever hear that? Well, I just looked up the winning time for the Boston Marathon. 26.2 miles in 123 minutes. That’s a mile every 4 ½ minutes. I think we can all agree that sounds suspiciously sprinty. “It’s a marathon, which if you want to win, IS a sprint. The world’s longest sprint.”

Oscar weekend! Like this year’s Grammys, it should be fairly easy to pick the winners. The basic rules are:
1) Don’t bet against Harvey Weinstein (The Artist is the new Adele)
2) DON’T BET AGAINST HARVEY WEINSTEIN (He got Gwyneth Paltrow an Oscar for a movie about Shakespeare that involved Ben Affleck. Impossible is nothing.)
3) Bet against Meryl Streep (always nominated, hasn’t won since 1979)
4) Bet against the American (Bet FOR the best faked American accent.)
5) Bet the Trifecta – Canadian-born actor Christopher Plummer plays a gay dad with terminal cancer. Sorry, Jonah Hill. I loved all of your not-swearing in Moneyball, but this is a lock.
6) Bet on Bridesmaids – I know it’s a longshot, but if it wins, you’re a genius. If it doesn’t, it’s the academy’s ages-old bias against comedy and ladies and it’s always good to bet against that.

Got 4 inches of snow this week. Good thing I already committed to not snowblowing anymore this season. Salt, do your thing…

The New Cardboard Box: our daughter is currently obsessed with the refill pack of baby wipes. It’s about the size of brownbag lunch, made of ultra crunchy, impossible-to-tear plastic, filled with squish and so heavy that it’s always shocking that she can lift it with one hand. More shocking, thought: the noises she makes if you try to take it away. Crazy baby. On the other hand, if I can develop a widely successful infant kettle bells program, she’ll suddenly seem wise beyond her years. Err, “year.”

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