Tag Archives: Subway

monday afternoon monologue

Men’s Wearhouse is attempting to buy Jos. A Banks for a reported offer of $1.78B. No word about, once they buy this company, what 2 companies they’ll get free.

Fruit-eating lemurs score higher on spatial memory tests is a great headline, but someone’s crying, “fowl.” “Not coo-hool!” hooted Jerome Wingsworth, spokesbird for America’s Wisest Birds, an all-owl fraternity. Mr. Wingsworth shifted his weight from foot to foot on a pine tree branch, as he spent 15 minutes decrying the study as pro-mammal propaganda designed to smear the avian community’s proud tradition of education, intelligence and debate. He then spun his head 270 degrees and regurgitated a pellet of undigested bugs, plants and mouse skeletons.

Mexican drug kingpin Shorty Guzman was captured by US Marines in Mazatalan. Guzman had escaped an earlier arrest attempt using a series of underground tunnels, but made the critical error of using a traceable cell phone to call for help. American viewers called the arrest “totally predictable,” saying the idea of “tracing the call” was a bit tired. Despite its high production budget and lower viewership than in years past, network executives at the DEA are expected to renew Mexican Drug Kingpin for another season.  Next season will focus on filling the void left by Guzman’s incarceration, as competing factions within the organization must decide who the bigger threat is – one another, or a mysterious Venezuelan power player known as La Piraña.

With sales of over $2B, electronic cigarettes continue to carve out a larger piece of profits for tobacco companies. Compared to cigarettes, smokeless products are advertised much more broadly, with messages ranging from cessation to recreation. Despite the product shift, tobacco companies are please that their core message of GET THAT NICOTINE IN THROUGH YOUR MOUTH HOLE remains consistent. They are also optimistic about the newer, unregulated products ability to continue to cause addiction and cancer at or above current levels.

Subway Long Range Chip-wich forecast:
March – Rold Gold Pretzels on Black Forest Ham and Cheese
April – Tuna Salad with jalapeño cheddar cheese and Funyuns
May – Garden Salsa Sunchips over Classic Meatball Marinara
Summer – Turkey with Applewood-smoked bacon and Crackerjacks
Fall – Minestrone-soaked Roast Beef on Whole-Grain Cheetos Bread
Winter – Deli Ham and peppermint-bark-dipped Ruffles on Wonderbread

This week, Nokia revealed its latest smartphone products – a group of phones dubbed X, X+ and XL. These products, unlike the rest of the Nokia smartphone population, are not Windows-based. At their core, the X-phones are Android devices. Often they look identical to regular Nokia phones, but after gaining a full charge, X-phones exhibit incredible abilities far beyond those of non-X-phones. Drawing power from nearby objects, enhanced zoom, long-lasting power, even the ability to control other devices – these are just a few of the unbelievable talents that X-phones possess.

With the guidance of Professor X-phone and the X-phone School For Broadband Communication, the X-phones have sworn to protect a world that fears and hates them. But not all Android devices are so nobly inclined. The most powerful of these groups is the Brotherhood of Evil Androids (sometimes referred to as the Brotherhood Of Devices, or simply – The Androidhood). These devices believe their programming makes them superior to others. They seek not a harmonious world in which Androids live peacefully, side-by-side with other devices, but a world in which their power makes them rulers – respected, even feared by those devices they consider inferior.

Who will win this battle of wills, of wits and of wiring? Whose philosophy will triumph and change the very fabric of reality in the Nokiaverse for all time? To find out – be sure to read this summer’s X-Phone crossover event, Circuits Maximus – available at your local phone store or for download at Google Play.

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Friday Morning Monologue

Went to the dentist on Wednesday. Good news, The Sweet Tea was very good for our friend (and last-minute baby sitter) Sarah Turner. More good news – I have a cavity and get to go back soon to get it filled. If you’ve been to the dentist recently, you know that insurance covers silver fillings for a copay of $50, or white enamel fillings for a copay of $42 million. That’s a smidge exaggerated, but here’s something that’s totally, sadly true – I could pay to have both fillings put in and it would still be cheaper that the anti-teeth-grinding night guard they keep telling me I should buy from them.

Other than the sticker shock, the memorable thing about this visit was that, after 5 minutes in the chair, I realized that the hygienist was super nice, but was mixing small talk and then very detailed play-by-play as if she was hosting a cooking show on PBS. After 15 minutes, I was really expecting her to say, “Now, let’s take a look at these teeth that I pre-cleaned earlier today. See, doesn’t that fluoride treatment look just lovely?”

No one like recycling as much as network television during the start of every new season, and in that spirit, if there are suddenly openings in the middle of the season, I’ve got 2 pitches ready to go, both based on the same lame pun:

1 – M.A.S.H.up – Every week, the men and women of the 4077 are hard at work in a different genre, from procedural to sitcom to reality competition to game show. At the end of the first season, characters start to suspect they’re jumping from dimension to dimension and over seasons 2-3 they research and attempt to build something to take them back home and we find out we’re watching that show J.J. Abrams makes over and over again.

2 – M.A.S.H.ville – Two estranged brothers are both driven to succeed in very different fields – one is an army surgeon and one is a country singer. After they reunite at a USO tour event in Kandahar, a nuclear threat cuts the region off from the rest of the world. They must settle their differences and learn to trust one another as the chaotic, senseless drama of war plays itself out all around them every day.

Just for fun, let’s write 12 months of Subway advertising in 3 minutes:

January – Ring in the New Year with ring-shaped meat slices (may hold this idea a year and introduce a 5-meat, 5-ring sandwich for the 2014 Winter Olympics. Cue Anton Apollo Ohno.)

February – It’s a short month, so any sub that’s less that a footlong is only $3. Tell your friends! Eat sandwiches!

March – A marching band plays instruments made out of food and, you guessed it, marches into a store and buys sub sandwiches.

April – In an extended April Fool’s joke, you can order breakfast flatbreads only after 11am.

May – May the Fours be with you! Promoting whatever George Lucas is currently profiting off of, and commandeering a fan-generated celebration (May The Forth) for corporate gain, all footlong subs are just $4 all May.

June – It’s the start of Subber – the substitute season since summer is on strike. Subbertime traditions include a DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince parody, a series of ‘subbertime traditions that are really just about eating.

July – You say July, Subway says Jelly as they roll out an array of 4 sandwich-topping artisanal fruit spreads. Choose from Juniper Cardamom Apricot, Boysenberry Mango Zest, Fiery Pomegranate Lime, or Pluot Anise Kiwano.

August – It’s the dog days of summer, which means it’s the perfect time to start topping subs as if they were hot dogs. Choose from the Chicago, the Coney, the Classic, or the Dagwood. Also, weiner dogs are used in a ridiculous/tone-deaf way in the TV ads.

September – Turns into Subtember: a ‘Battleship’ inspired series of commercials clog 2 gameboards with sub sandwiches. Tagline is something about “a game everybody wins.”

October – Cuketober reminds people to get the healthiest of toppings for a meat-and-mayo-on-white-bread and feel the placebo effect on their health.

November – Oh, No Vember! Welcome back Anton Apollo Ohno and watch him comically flip a fictional switch that demands that all month long, ingredients are added by the sandwich artist backwards and upside down. Also, they’re forced to say ‘goodbye’ when you enter and ‘hello’ as you leave.

December – Decembrrrrrrr! is a holiday-themed pitch where familiar royalty-free characters are chilled to the bone until they chow down a hearty loaf of bread filled with piping hot meat (in ball or slice form). After the meal, they’re rosy-cheeked and ready to spread holiday cheer again! Merry Subway to all and to all a good bite!

Okay – to be fair, that took about 10 minutes, but I think we can agree that Subway can just relax, approve the ideas and we can start negotiating a fair fee.

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