Tag Archives: sweet tea

friday afternoon monologue

The Sweet Tea has been up in the middle of the night each of the last 3 nights. People talk about the terrible 2’s, but really it’s more about the terrible 3’s, 3:30’s and 4:15’s. It’s a total energy drain. It’s getting to the point that I’m ready to believe an online ad that says PROFESSORS HATE THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK TO HELP YOUR BABY SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT!

There are only 2 kinds of video screens in a baby’s world. 1 – the touchscreen. 2 – the tv screen doesn’t do anything when I touch it dad what did you do did you break it why isn’t it working?

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Always judge a band by its covers.

The Curiosity Rover found liquid water on Mars this week, analyzing a soil sample to discover it contains 2% water, as well as carbon dioxide, oxygen, and sulfur compounds. The mineralogical data was exciting to scientists who have long predicted that Mars may one day be suitable for a Coca Cola bottling plant.

Vikings quarterback Christian Ponder is out with a fractured rib. The fracture is close to his heart and team doctors are concerned that if he sustains a big hit, it could mean serious damage. Doctors confirm that if backup quarterback Matt Cassel plays a great game, a broken heart is still a possibility for Ponder.

A dangerous Russian street drug called Krokodil has made its way to the United States. Made of chemicals easily found at home improvement stores, this cheap heroin substitute causes rough, scaly patching on the skin of its users. Medical experts call it a deadly substance that can lead to death in under 2 years of use, but admit it’s also a pretty amazing reminder that the last episode of Breaking Bad airs this Sunday at 9/8c on AMC.

Kayne West is mad at Jimmy Kimmel. That’s not really newsworthy, that’s just a Mad Libs that you can’t lose. Here, try it yourself and feel like a psychic. “Kanye West is [synonym for ‘very’] angry at [anyone on earth] for [professional or everyday behavior]. West took [double-digit number] minutes to [verb] about it last night during the [European city] [fashion show] he was attending. West was dressed in a [pattern] kilt, [garish color] Nikes and a [precious metal] tank top from Brooklyn designer [Old Testament Name] [comic book noise].”

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Saturday Night Mini-logue

I’m always looking for ways to make my life simpler. For instance, to be prepared for any future address, I’m changing my name to Current Resident.

Candy Crush doesn’t give you advice, it gives you badvice. Its trademark ‘flashing shapes’ alert is a great reminder ‘don’t make this move right here, unless you’re admitting defeat already.’

In talking about Tea last week, I neglected to mention her ability to identify by name just a few relatives, but every regular cast Muppet on Sesame Street. In particular, we’ve moved into the Elmo phase of childhood development. Anywhere, at any time, she can spot him. From 100 yards away – Elmo. A quarter-inch drawing on the back cover of a book – Elmo. Not watching Elmo – how about we watch him? Just watched Elmo – how about a little more Elmo? If toddlers were allowed to get tattoos, you can bet his face would be more prevalent than the Hula Girl and the Mom In A Heart combined.

Pulling dandelions and planting grass seed for weeks. Finally getting some grass to grow really well – in the cracks of the sidewalk leading to our front steps.

Drinking MDG lately and using the Punch-Top. I know, I know. I’m not sure that you can say for certain that it’s making the experience better. But you can’t say it’s not making it better, either. That limbo space is an advertising dream come true. It doesn’t affect the taste, it just gives you an effective anchor for your metaphors about boldness, difference freedom and AMERICA [rev motorcycles, cue fireworks, make impossible-looking billiards shot, high-five good looking friends, drain your Punch-Top can of domestic beer].

Tagged , , ,

friday afternoon monologue

I ran some errands at lunch yesterday. Two old ladies were standing near the snack food aisle (white hair, tight perms, embroidered sweatshirts) and one of them starts tap dancing. Because, of course, she’s wearing tap shoes. Why wouldn’t you be wearing tap shoes while doing a little shopping? She busted out a couple rhythm patterns and a full spin, just to show the friend that she’s still got it, I guess? Maybe it was like a senior citizen version of Step Up? (Step Up 4: Tapper’s Delight)

Old people (like babies) have a leg up in the cute game. They can be doing most any everyday activity and for whatever reason, it’s just so much more precious than when it’s done by someone in the middle of the age bell curve. But this was way beyond standard cute, old-people things like wearing a hat/holding a cell phone/chewing bubble gum. This was so powerful I got a temporary perma-grim on my face and as I walked past them, my head rotated to keep watching. Thankfully, it was a pretty quick performance, so I could readjust myself before walking straight into a Pepsi Max display or something.

 

On the opposite end of chronological, categorical cuteness, the Sweet Tea is quickly approaching her second birthday. The great thing for me is that I can finally stop counting her age in months. I’ve already started, using the phrases ‘almost 2’ and ‘she’ll be 2 in June’ instead of ’23 months’ but I’m looking forward to upcoming era of whole number/number-and-a-half age descriptions.

Almost-2-year-old fast facts:

Every person she sees from a distance of 10 feet or more is deemed a ‘baby.’ It doesn’t matter where we are or who you are; if you’re just out of arm’s reach, you’re a baby.

Every answer is ‘no’ before it’s anything else. I’m assuming it’s the first rule of toddler improv – Always answer, “No, and…”

She’s slowly but surely developing her own secret language. She says ‘yum’ instead of ‘yes’, she insists on calling cheese ‘guy’, she transposes the syllables in ‘cookie’ to ‘ki-coo.’ Bad news – it can be a steep learning curve and will probably lead to some hilariously embarrassing public conversation in the near future. Good news – a few more unique words and we’re eligible for our own Google Translate tab.

Thinking of making some custom bracelets:
WWDJJJD (What Would DJ Jazzy Jeff Do?)
Who wants in?

Also – if you didn’t see it make the rounds yet, watch this Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘impromptu’ reunion and tell me you’re not a little shocked that Alfonso Ribeiro is far and away the best dancer on stage. And. AND! – that’s not even the best part of the video. The best part is that Bradley Cooper and Heather Graham’s roles on the show were basically reduced to that of background furniture, due to the Category 5 nostalgia storm caused by referencing a 20-year-old (!) TV show. In the land of too-long headlines, theirs would be: Oscar Nominee, Beautiful Actress Upstaged By Tom Jones Medley, Jazz Hands.

 

Tagged , , , , , , ,

friday morning monologue

I started listening to Dan Harmon’s podcast, Harmontown. Since, you know, I won’t be watching his version of Community anytime soon ever again. Thankful, as always, that comedy is not a competitive sport with referees, scoreboards and sabermetircally obsessed fantasy leagues. (okay, that last one might be cool…). Harmon so effortlessly crushes that it’s not even worth sweeping up the pieces. Let the wind have ‘em. Gravity-free concepts, painful, funny and painfully funny personal anecdotes, stream of consciousness riffage that he somehow manages to bring back around and connect to itself. There’s really no joke here, just an endorsement and an implied plea to the universe that the rest of us can still find things to joke about.

I may be moving to a different cubicle at work. (Although, isn’t that a statement you can always make?) Someone asked if I was mad/sad and I thought well, I really can’t be, right? It’s not mine. It’s just a desk. A desk with sweet natural light and lots of open air around it. But still. It’s not like they said “You have to get this tattoo we picked out for you” or “wear this ill-fitting rental suit and pay us for the privilege.” (if you’re keeping score, those two scenarios belong to the bachelor party and the wedding, respectively.)

One of the cars got a flat tire this week. Don’t worry, we went to the local tire shop and plugged the leak with wads of cash. Back on the road in no time.

Work quote of the week: “A family of yetis may be pushing our luck.”

This week, I sang a call and response version of the Sesame Street Song Amigo to The Sweet Tea. I sang the verses and let her fill in the “la la la la la la la la la.” It actually worked and it was pretty amazing, like running the table in a game of Rock Paper Scissors or going to Old Navy and finding a pair of pants that actually fits.

It also made me realize just how much of my home life is made up of repurposing pop music, classic rock and advertising jingles. It’s a near-nonstop mix of updated Stanley Steemer commercials (“call 1 800 DIAPER”), Led Zeppelin (“it’s been a long time since you ate these peas”) and Prince (“Raaaaaaspberry puree”). If we ever wrote a musical about ourselves (totally not a narcissistic thing to do, BTW) I’m sure the first note we would get back would be “Maybe a little less singing?”

Tagged , , , , ,

friday morning monologue

Endless loop of kids beach conversation:
“What’s a visor?”
“It’s a hat without a hat.”
“What’s a hat without a hat?”
“It’s a visor.”

One good thing about being TV free for a few days – not having to see those puke-worthy Ralph Lauren Berets that are the official formal uniform of the US Olympians. I’m sure the NY Post beat me to the headline ‘C’est la Vile”, but as long as someone gets it out there, I’m okay.

Flew to California this week for Kalla’s wedding (yay). In anticipation, we Lyndsay put together an awesome and incredibly comprehensive baby care manual for my brother Paul and his wife Laura, who are watching the Sweet Tea. This way, we know she’s not only in good hands; she’s in good, well-informed hands. Don’t know what’s wrong? Consult the index. Index isn’t working? Check the appendix. Temporarily illiterate? Use the pictograms. Eyes too tired? Download the podcast.

What would happen if the Kings of Leon married the Queens of the Stone Age?

Most creative dog-centric vanity plate I’ve seem this week:
SHEAT ZU

Remember the Tom Hanks sitcom Bosom Buddies where they had to cross-dress to get an apartment in the ladies-only apartment building? I know someone tried to reboot it last season, but I think with a little work, it could be successfully revived.

First, there has to be an additional layer of complexity that can, at any moment be escalated into farce (note: farce is awesome because it’s a brilliant premise, but also, it sounds an awful lot like ‘farts’ and how could that ever not be funny?). so here’ s the pitch: a pair of women in their early 20s need to find new jobs when their off-off Broadway show (a Mel Brooks rip-off called “The Executive Producers”) closes during the intermission of its opening night.

Facing eviction from their apartment building filled with broad stereotypes and zany recurring characters, they devise a long-shot scheme and apply for work at the Drag-Wich, a diner entirely staffed by drag queens. They get hired and in order to keep the lights on, they go to work dressed up like men dressed up like women and serve soup, salads and sandwiches to patrons saying things like “you’re pretty good lookin’ for a dude.” In the kitchen, of course, they have to keep acting like they’re just two of the guys and coyly demure when asked about their secrets to looing so lady-like. Once the audience gets attached to all the characters, we can branch out into more technically challenging plots like (farce time!) the owner of the diner deciding that once a month it’s Shakespeare Night as the waitstaff performs in traditional style. That’s right, our two main characters dressed up as men dressed up as women dressed up as men dressed up as women. Hilarity ensues.

As far as names for the show, I’m open to suggestions, but for right now I’m going with “He Said, She Said”

Network pitch: 2 Broke Girls meets Bosom Buddies

Alternate idea: just take the original premise way back in time, write all the scripts in Middle English and call it Bofom Buddief.

Tagged , , , , , ,

friday morning monologue

Message on a huge poster at the Government Center downtown:
“ask for your Walleye stamp validation”

So I went to the government center to get a copy of The Sweet Tea’s birth certificate. And by “a copy” I mean “the copy.” See, with the excitement and frenzy of actually having a baby last summer, we got back from the hospital, put a bunch of official-looking pieces of paper into the appropriate storage box and figured everything was in there. Her Social Security card arrived by mail, so we figured that the hospital took care of that whole birth certificate thing and it was somewhere around here already. Turns out that’s not true.

In addition to making me feel like a forgetful dope, this did give me a chance to walk to the Government Center downtown. I needed to go to room A025, and when I walked in the main lobby (and past the lunchtime tango dancing demonstration), there were 3 huge letters on separate walls – A, B and S. I walked into section A, started to look for room A025 and discovered that it was the criminal court section. I turned around, saw a sign that said “Licenses” and pointed down the stairs. “Hmmm, perhaps it’s in section B for Basement?” wrong again. Section S. Down 2 flights of stairs, past the cafeteria and around the corner past the enclosed waterfall (not a joke – there’s a waterfall room complete with observation/meditation bench) is room A025.

The waiting experience was actually pretty pleasant. For me. For the guy in front of me who discovered that the downtown office administers the written driver’s test, but not the road test, it wasn’t so fun. But I got my number, sat down and watched The World’s Easiest Trivia Questions on the TV in the middle of the room. Sample Question: Who played Ray Charles in the 2004 biopic Ray? The screen shows a shot of Jamie Foxx from the movie, then the heads of Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and LL Cool J right next to it. I think they do this so you feel good about yourself and when your number is called, your subconscious mind is like, “Aw, do I have to get up already?”

I got up to the counter and found out that, unlike the claim on their website, they no longer accept Visa as a form of payment. Sadly, I left my Discover Card in an alternate reality, but good news everyone, I brought the checkbook just in case. The check was written, the documents were being processed and then the woman behind the counter walked away without saying anything. Don’t worry, though – she only left me standing there for 5 minutes having no idea what was going on. While I was doing my best to obey their No Cellphones At The Counter policy, I counted the number of times Bad Posture Guy walked by (4) and listened as the guy at the next counter over was pleading his case about a speeding ticket. Not sure if he was practicing or he thought the judge was behind the counter…

Why did I wake up with this song in my head?

Went to the Twins game yesterday. I had a great time, but not as great as a coworker who went to grab a beer and came back to inform us that he just met Garrison Keillor. The combination of Keillor and Twins baseball was so overwhelmingly Minnesotan that we all had to put on flannel shirts, say “oh, yaaaaah” and eat some hotdish.

Guy in front of us: 2 Michelobs.
Beer Vendor: I only have 1 left. How about a Bud Light?
Guy: Sure.
(Correct answer: I’d rather get punched in the face.)

Later in the game, I experienced that universal high – the feeling of “the beer vendor who just walked down our aisle is selling something other than Bud Light or Miller Lite!” It always feels like I just won the ballpark lottery. And, of course, it takes away the shock of paying 50¢ per ounce of beer, so that’s nice.

Beer vendors proved to be an ongoing source of entertainment throughout the game. The best moment came when the beer vendor coming down the stairs yelled “beer” in such an odd way that it sounded like a cat meowing. The crowd  got quiet and you could tell that we all heard the same thing at the same time. “What was that? Is someone from Zoobilee Zoo selling beers?”

Coworker: “So you carry that notebook to write down good ideas?”
Me: Yep. (writes down one thing, puts notebook away and forgets to right down about 4 funny things that happened after that)

Pop quiz hotshots! Place these T-shirt launchers in chronological order:

1) T-shirt Slingshot
2) T-shirt Boomerang
3) T-shirt Trebuchet
4) T-shirt Cannon
5) T-shirt Musket
6) T-shirt Catapult

The ballpark has a myriad of delicious food, including a taco wrapped into a cone shape for easy table-free eating. They called it the Walk-A-Taco, but we all agreed it was a perfectly squandered opportunity to name it the logical choice: The Tacone.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,