Tag Archives: Twitter

friday afternoon monologue

This week, Prince joined Twitter using the handle @3rdEyeGirl. Which means that next time, he’ll be sending himself that cease-and-desist order.

The time is now to set up your one-joke Twitter account – @PrincesLawyer.

In a nativity mash-up, the three wise men should bring gold, frankincense and mermaids.

“Are you her daddy? How come you look cool?” – Ego-fueling playground banter.

At Seattle’s Hempfest, police will be distributing information about the state’s new legalization laws attached to bags of Doritos. If successful, the program will expand to include a new product line, Totally Baked Lays.

Senator Patrick Leahy pledged increased oversight on the NSA, in response to an internal audit revealing that the agency broke 1000s of privacy rules over the past 5 years. NSA leaders acknowledged the breach, agreeing with the senator’s remarks, and simply asking him to direct his comments to the vase of flowers in the center of the table.

Heismann trophy winner Johnny Manziel is accused of breaking NCAA football rules by accepting money in exchange for autographs. “Silly Johnny,” said the NCAA. “Money is for football programs, not football players!” The NCAA promised to forgive any alleged infraction if Manziel agreed to register next semester for their Advanced Concussions seminar.

I’m having trouble getting this Backstreet Boys cover out of my head. No shame; just the power of pop. It did make me wonder whether A) if there’s an all-girl Backstreet cover band called Uptown Girls or B) If, with his newfound Almost Tonight Show powers, Jimmy Fallon can have Billy Joel and Backstreet on the show covering one another’s songs for a week.

Gene Simmons and KISS have bought an Arena League Football team. In preparation for the 2014 season, they’ve partnered with Under Armour to develop a line of fire-breathing helmets, spike-and-chain shoulder pads and knee-high, platform cleats.

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friday morning monologue

Saltweens – A new snack cracker aimed at the pre-teen market.

Caught the reflection of the ‘pedestrian countdown clock’ while stopped at a red light this morning, so I counted along, “8, upside down L, backwards G, 2, upside down lowercase h, E, 5, 1!”

Why does Twitter send me email notifications? Isn’t that like Gmail sending me a note via USPS?

Guh, the St. Louis Cardinals are just a terror in the post-season. And I’m not just saying that because they denied my Brewers their best chance in nearly 30 years to go to the World Series. Wait, yes I am. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true. They’re like vampires – they can’t enter unless they’re invited (by some wilting team like the Braves), they’re seemingly ageless (see Tony LaRussa’s hair color 1963-2011) and by the time you convince skeptics that they’re for real, it’s too late.

Minnesota Timberwolves forward Kevin Love broke 2 fingers while doing knuckle pushups and could be sidelined for 2 months. No word on whether Jack Palance will be able to fill in while he’s out. Bonus theory, it’s all a long con to force Ricky Rubio to grow up. If Love’s plan works, Ricky will cut his mop top, trade in his beard for some sensible sideburns, and start correcting people, “actually, it’s Richard Rubio now.”

The new Apple operating system’s built-in voice dictation is near-endless fun. As long as you’re not trying to accurately dictate something. What would be the fun in that? Hold on, lemme dictate it – “what would beaver finance?” hmmm, inaccurate, but catchy. Maybe I’ll get it printed on some bracelets…

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friday morning monologue

The one day I don’t set my alarm is the one day the baby doesn’t wake us up at 6:00 am.

Bought an almost-hard-boiled egg from the cafeteria. It was almost good.

So the cuffs on my favorite hoodie are basically shredded and I’ve been trying to convince myself that, hey, the rest of it is still good, it’s just the cuffs. Now I can hear the echoes of denial in that claim. “The house is perfect, just a little black mold in the basement.” “It’s a new Star Wars movie, who cares if there’s a little Jar Jar?” “Stephen King writes great stories, just stop reading 10 pages before the book ends.”

I really like the LA Times, but they just started a pay wall and I unknowingly hit my 30-day article limit. This taught me 2 things – first, I really do like the LA Times. But only for free. Second – I wish they had article-countdown clock so that I didn’t waste my last free article on a political cartoon.

Played that game of “let’s see who the people who I think are funny follow on Twitter.” Sort of jumping one space in line to get to the root of the funny, right? So, I checked out Bill Cosby. 2.6 million followers. Following 4 accounts. And 3 of those accounts are TV channels. The only actual person he follows? Sinbad. Bill Cosby: funny, smart, inscrutably mysterious.

Remember that parade North Korea put on a few weeks ago where it looked like they had a bunch of real weapons and then when people scrutinized the photos, the weapons turned out to be all duct tape and spray paint? If this has taught us anything, it’s that North Korea’s love of impressively designed, yet impossibly flimsy goods means they would really appreciate an Ikea.

Seasonal allergies compromise:
Wanted to drink – tequila
Actually drank – hot tea with lemon

Parody Idea I’m Too Lazy To Create: Portland Mainia – Why does the West Coast get all the sketch comedy love? Jason Sudeikis and Maria Bamford can star in this Lorne Michaels/IFC critical-darling-of-a-show that both celebrates and mocks local seafood, roller derby and the historic Wadsworth-Longfellow House.

So I saw a sneak peek of The Avengers on Wednesday night. Is it good? Yes. Is it great? Almost. Does Hulk smash? Yes, yes he does. Success.

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